My Shadow World

Hello Everyone,

I am writing this for myself and for others who need to hear about this and put things into perspective for themselves as well.

Just as an introduction to me and my recent experiences in life.

I am a Jewish(Israeli/Hungarian/Russian) American who grew up very well taken care of. I played multiple sports and competed at the highest levels. I did not have a relationship with my father growing up and always wished for him to be at my games, I wanted to prove myself to him because I felt the lack of him being in my life because my brother and I were not good enough. My brother was also affected by this turning to drugs and hood behavior in high school because he could not handle the pressure of being the man of the house at 16. He served 7 years in prison and was released Feb 2022, and has since turned his life around and become very religious.

Now within the last 18 months, many life-altering events have occurred. Just to name a few the loss of a young family member, the loss of my grandmother, a breakup of what I thought would be my wife, and lastly, a court case in which I defended myself and was charged because the man who struck me received more damage from my one punch.


My Inspiration for writing this is not because I want sympathy or blandishment. I say this to set the stage for what I want to say next.


Everyone is an amalgamation of their life circumstances, in life, we are given many opportunities by God (Good or bad). I believe this decision can be broken down into two root choices. We can make those decisions that we know will benefit us and those around us or we can make those decision that feeds our shadow(the inner part of ourselves that we know doesn't want the best for us). 

Some people are not challenged enough or put to the test enough but when the time comes for you to make these tough choices because we aren't hardened enough so we feed our shadow and let the dark parts of us grow. Or maybe even make the right choice but without practice and real-world experience, we will never know what's right.

I think a lot of us, including myself need to do some self-reflection. (I have listed mine below the next paragraph)


A challenge to us all. If you were looking in the mirror and the deepest darkest parts of your soul were talking out loud, what would it say? I'll tell you what mine would say and if you do want to share I would love to hear yours as well.


My Shadow

-Where I am in life I am kinda happy with my body physically, but my soul feels it's missing something.
-I feel I have lost my accountability(I'm not there for others enough) to those I value. 
-I don't hold myself to the standard I expect and I am not on the track I thought I would be at 25. I think I am hardly the only one who feels this way in some manner.
-I don't put my all into everything I do, I am lazy.
-I have tarnished many relationships in my life due to my overly abrasive behavior and personality. I get told by everyone, those who love me and those who don't, or even those who used to that I am far too much for anyone to handle, this being said I don't believe I will ever be able to settle down with someone long term which makes me sad.
-I'm not sure anyone I am close with truly values me(whom I do value them) or my opinion other than the fact that I am attractive. I feel like I have slid by with my God-given looks and talent.
-My grandparents would not be proud of the Journey I have taken.

My overall message from my shadow, I have wasted my gifts from God on poor decision-making and feeding into weakness, that I have amounted to something that my younger self used to look down on. 


Well, Today I am accepting my shadow, I am giving my shadow a big hug because I know it is part of me, Today! I decided that even though all of this is part of me, part of my journey. I must use it as a launchpad to grow. 

Today I have reminded myself of what I already knew, Today I have had an awakening.

Spread peace and love, Shalom Aleichem.

https://youtu.be/3ezTYZ0rQqw

This is a nice thread, also the first time we got to hear much about your personal life so that's interesting, Dean.

I can definitely see where you're going with this, there's always that voice calling from inside telling you that you're ultimately by yourself and that the sacrifice you may make for the collective good won't be the safe stronghold your ego is. It may even lead to being humiliated because there's this going around nowadays that someone can be so "nice" to the point that they become suspicious or too good to believe so it might just end up backfiring on you just genuinely trying to do best by everyone and yourself.

I'm uncertain what my "shadow" would want, the internal voice feels kinda jumbled and sways with each uncomfortable situation I find myself in especially when it concerns people that surround me and I care about.

Among the things I would say I'm hearing:

-That my personality isn't what it really should be in a natural state and if I were true to myself, it makes an avoidant person that's reluctant to ask for or offer help, it puts a barrier between me and people. I feel that I'm made of something better and can be a confident initiative taker instead of someone who lives as a wallflower.

-That I have the potential to develop myself immensely in technical and creative skills to become a dependable and self expressing person, and it's held back by my current nature that leans toward stillness and complacency.

-That I could put my willpower to work and stop being swayed by emotions and focus on the ultimate payoff instead of pleasing people to alleviate immediate pains even though I know deep down that it makes me spineless and less respected.

My mind is so scattered that I can't even recall all that I think on this. I don't know if I can say I'm having the awakening you're having but I think I'm slowly inching towards accepting myself and shedding light on the corners that I overlooked and hid from myself to be someone I'm not.

That's all for me, as for you, Dean. I support your newly found determination to walk forward, I always felt that you had that spark of hope in your eyes, it showed in your attitude. You can definitely accomplish great things, it's all in the mindset, if we look for positivity it will lend itself to us and the opposite is true.

Much love and appreciation, salam alaikum.

Mado wrote:This is a nice thread, also the first time we got to hear much about your personal life so that's interesting, Dean.

I can definitely see where you're going with this, there's always that voice calling from inside telling you that you're ultimately by yourself and that the sacrifice you may make for the collective good won't be the safe stronghold your ego is. It may even lead to being humiliated because there's this going around nowadays that someone can be so "nice" to the point that they become suspicious or too good to believe so it might just end up backfiring on you just genuinely trying to do best by everyone and yourself.

I'm uncertain what my "shadow" would want, the internal voice feels kinda jumbled and sways with each uncomfortable situation I find myself in especially when it concerns people that surround me and I care about.

Among the things I would say I'm hearing:

-That my personality isn't what it really should be in a natural state and if I were true to myself, it makes an avoidant person that's reluctant to ask for or offer help, it puts a barrier between me and people. I feel that I'm made of something better and can be a confident initiative taker instead of someone who lives as a wallflower.

-That I have the potential to develop myself immensely in technical and creative skills to become a dependable and self expressing person, and it's held back by my current nature that leans toward stillness and complacency.

-That I could put my willpower to work and stop being swayed by emotions and focus on the ultimate payoff instead of pleasing people to alleviate immediate pains even though I know deep down that it makes me spineless and less respected.

My mind is so scattered that I can't even recall all that I think on this. I don't know if I can say I'm having the awakening you're having but I think I'm slowly inching towards accepting myself and shedding light on the corners that I overlooked and hid from myself to be someone I'm not.

That's all for me, as for you, Dean. I support your newly found determination to walk forward, I always felt that you had that spark of hope in your eyes, it showed in your attitude. You can definitely accomplish great things, it's all in the mindset, if we look for positivity it will lend itself to us and the opposite is true.

Much love and appreciation, salam alaikum.

alaikum salam

Thank you for sharing with me mado. I feel this as well! I could have elaborated further about each and every detail of my heart, but I felt I touched on what my inner darkness would tell me. I am grateful for your thought process and the ability to have an open discussion about anything and everything.